he had a lot of nothing to say

lately i have discovered that a lot of people have an image of who they think i am, that is not at all like who i really am. critics and fans are the worst offenders. perhaps the most painful offenders are people i would call family and friends. over the next few weeks i think i will blag more things to know. i am secure enough in myself now to make sure people know i am perhaps not what you think i am, or maybe exactly what you think i am. my shrinks say this will be a healthy thing. let us go on a mental health kick together.

we are going to start with some things that i like and some things that i don't like. easing into it. eeeaaaassiiinnnggg.

i like: julian laine
of course i like my husband. he has always been there for me. i know lots of people see him as obnoxious and uncaring and possibly insane but in reality he is only two out of three (ain't bad). there is no way in the world jules is uncaring. he has taken care of me for years already and he will continue to care for many more years. i have never seen anybody so happy just to wake up next to someone in the morning (apart from me). or to make five kinds of cake because he wasn't sure which one i felt like. or to never complain that i say it's his turn to go collect the babies and bring them in for foods tiem when it's actually my turn because i am too tired to stand up. he is lovely. if you've ever spoken to him for more than five minutes you would see this too.

i dislike: my exes
i do not hate my exes. i dislike them. most people dislike their ex-partners because of some slight or argument or they ere the dumped one so they automatically turn into "that slutty bitch/bastard" but i don't think like that. maybe i am weird? i dislike them because i have recently noticed they all share extremely common destructive and egocentric qualities. both destructive to themselves and to me. i have noticed all of my relationships bar my current one have been more interested in themselves than interested in me. my downfall is that i find happiness in loving and being loved so i tried harder instead of cutting my losses when a normal person would've. i dislike them for not noticing i was slowly destroying myself. i dislike them for thinking nothing of when they see me post-breakup. i dislike them because they make my husband make his angry face, and not his sexy angry face. i dislike my exes.

i like: my children and my family
these roll in together because they are the same kind of love to me, even though each is monumentally important. this is family love, not platonic or romantic love. those two can go wrong, but family love is always forever no matter how much you may hate a sibling or a parent sometimes. i can yell at my little brother that i hate him all i like, but we all know i don't. i love my kids. i love my brothers, i love my sisters, i love my mum and my dad. i love jules' mum and dad and sister. i love the friends i have adopted as extended family. my band is my family. i love jarrod exactly the same volume as i love katie even though i've heard people wonder how you can feel the same about someone else's biological child as you do about your own. it is not hard. it is not hard at all.

i dislike: certain types of people
i dislike people who are so steadfast in their one opinion they cannot see the other side of the argument. i admire sticking to your guns, but there comes a point you have to listen to others and at least acknowledge you see their opinion as valid. the type i dislike is those who are constantly "i am right, you are wrong, you are wrong, you are wrong". that is no way to think. i dislike people who will not let themselves understand other people's problems. this ties in a little bit with the last one. don't hand out advice like you are the be all and end all. listen to what people are saying to you. you can offer your opinion, maybe some advice, but realise it will probably not be taken until after the fact, if at all. if you just listen to what someone is saying you may notice they know and understand everything you're preaching at them, and the preaching makes it worse. if you are in doubt, shut the fuck up. i dislike people who don't know when to shut the fuck up. i dislike people who abandon. i dislike people who discard. i dislike people who only like themselves. i dislike a lot of kinds of people.

i like: fans
there's a difference between someone who is a fan of the band themselves, a fan of your music, and someone who loves it all. you can tell when people talk to you which part of you they're a fan of. i don't mind if you hate our music and love us, if it's for the right reasons. not because you think cody is hot. i don't mind if you hate us and love our music, that is why we keep making it. for people to love. i don't even mind if you were forced to listen to us or dragged to a gig and ended up really liking us, that's awesome. i've met people who wouldn't talk to jules but would talk to cody, people who refused to come to a show but waited outside for us, and people who followed us around an entire country waiting outside venues for five hours in advance in winter just because they know we always show up earlier than soundcheck and come out to say hi. i like all these kinds of fans. it is hard to understand the amazing feeling that someone you've never met or will probably ever know likes you so much they'll do crazy things like that for you. i would probably not show up in the snow to wait for hot rod for five hours and i LOVE hot rod. it's just so strange, and i like it.

i dislike: being called "kitten"
perez hilton, please stop that shit. i don't care that you filed every post about me under "gay gay gay" before you even knew i had a boyfriend. i enjoy your art as long as it's not writing "TRAINWRECK" over my sister's head. the hearts around my crotch are kind of scary honestly and pairing it with "kitten" isn't helping. i am glad we had this chat, i still like your fabulous pink site, it matches one of my suits.

eeeaaassiiiinnngggg.

alfie laine gives an update

i have not responded to any emails for roughly a month, and that seems to have freaked everyone out and made them started a whole post full of rumours that i died or something. i did not die, i just no longer have a life where i can sit down for three hours to write back to people like i used to. i am really sorry but i will explain. well, it's more like i need to say some things rather than explain.

as mostly everyone knows, jules' son is due in june. he's OUR son, but i have no legal claim to him right now. thus, the problem. yes, we are in the middle of a very painful and high-emotion custody battle. it's very difficult to continue to fight when you know the main defending argument is going to be that we have mental issues and we're in a gay relationship. neither of those things have any bearing on us raising our daughter katie together. i know that jules could probably stand some therapy, but i also know he doesn't want it and he's actually high-functioning without it, unlike me. it is enough for him to talk to me. he's not crazy. i'm not crazy. i am on medication, i stopped drinking, i speak to two separate shrinks depending on which part of the world i'm in. we, unlike the biological mother of our son, try to stabilise ourselves. we try to make a family work. it's even more difficult for us to try and fight across the other side of the world. we don't feel comfortable dragging a two-month old baby born five weeks premature on a 25 hour flight just yet, and somehow we are the ones to pay for it. it is staggering the amount of trouble we are getting when we know we are the only choice for little froggit. he has nothing with his birth mother. he has a big sister, a home, a family, a life with jules and i. more to the point, we actually want him. the one thing i don't want to happen is for this to drag out any longer than it has to. it is killing us all as it is. if he is given to her we will still fight her for as long as it takes.

since i know half the readers skipped over serious family trouble to find out when the new album will be out, i don't know when, guys. when we've got free time, jules and cody and i are in the studio fleshing out some new tracks. actually, jules was recording the drums to a new song in our backyard yesterday. we're trying some new things and it won't be for everyone, i guess, but i know a lot of people didn't like the newish way we went with BH&R, either. there comes a point in your career where you really have to stop making music you think people will like and make what you want to make. i am not sure i've ever written a fanservice song but i am always conscious of what is going to work for fans. i know it is going to get me in trouble but whatever the label tells you the release date is, it isn't. they are pushing us too hard for a release and tour and it's not going to happen, people. i know you're all really excited for new soundwave music but you have to understand our families come before you and the music. regardless, we ARE recording. not writing and arranging, we're recording. just hold onto your stylish top hats.

i miss my seester very much. i miss you, lemon.

anita almost pulled the bookcase on top of her head yesterday. if this is going to be what it's like to have a toddler... i am excited. hells yeah, danger at every turn.

i have a very bad wound on my hand so recording has slowed as of late. i was trying to use a knife to open the new milo tin and i stabbed myself. i know, i know, "use a spoon, alfie!" jules kissed it better and rinsed the blood off. after a while. then elaine rang right on time and we asked how the hell to bandage a stab wound and she was hysterical for a few seconds. i love elaine. i wish my mum would call me.

cody's hands are too big for finger snapping. my fingers are too skinny. jules' are just right. everything about jules is just right.

despite the trouble i have a great life. it is funny how many problems can be solved by a little girl who has my eyes and a short half-asian man. half-pint half-asian. i love you.

the monster's gone, he's on the run

even as my previous and still current fambily changes and depletes, my new fambily grows.
is is eighty-three days until our daughter is supposed to be here.
it is one hundred and thirty eight days until our son is supposed to be here.
it is three hundred and eleven days until the japanese tea garden, and silver and green-yellow chartreuse and tokyo purple, nieces with parasols and tiaras and my clean-shaven brother and hot rod. sorry, beards, i love you but you aren't welcome in the photos.

a change is not as good as a holiday. it was almost a holiday, and it's almost over.
time for snow and cold and my guitars and a new coat. i am told to skip dior and go for burberry.
i hope my ladies are not chipped. i miss my brothaman.
thanks for not posting on my facebook wall asking about the state of my aliveness anymore, mum. thanks for never staying on the phone longer than ten minutes anymore. oh wait, no thanks.
thanks for sending me some really psychedelic coloured three-page long emails, dad. thanks for using them instead of phones because "the interwebs are cheaper". you're really weird. i love you.

uncle alfie never gets tired.

she really did! that's how I got called bug!

baby Eclair, you are the cutest thing I have ever seen even though you were bright red for a while there and your head was all squished. your uncle frog and I hope that you love your tiny Baby Dior presents when you are old enough to know what words are and stuff. I will take you to the zoo.

xox

it was worth letting your children out of your sight, mum.

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where did the sun go.

tour is happening sooner than expected. rejoice, all.
appearances begin at the end of may, and from there it's not long to wait til announcement.
i've moved to 21 acres in the adelaide hills.
there's emus and horses and beagles, oh my.
it isn't the 131,000 i grew up on, but i don't mind,
because i just want my life back.
my hands are shaking.
i can't remember if i ate today, but i'm pretty sure i had sushi for lunch.
and that makes me miss my family.
i miss my little brothers.
i miss my big brother.
all my sisters are older than me, and i miss them, but i will see you of the very blue eyes and stupid nicknames soon.
i am almost scared to sleep in my new bedroom, it's too fancy.
i think i will drive the 20 minutes to the city and get sushi. that will be good.

i said shake it, don't break it

thank you to the people that came to the release party in Melbourne tonight! last night.. whatever.
buy the album, it is freaking excellent. I know, cause I wrote every note and word and noise.
also, enjoy it please.

we are so sorry about the impromptu game of indoor footy, by the way. my little brother Abram may be a dick, but he is an AFL star in the making.
he really sucks drunk though.
even i'm better.

my dog has now seen fit to grace me with her presence.
she hates me when I am drunk and likes to stay away until I look sober. I cuddle too much.
we are watching Return of the Jedi until sleep deems it time to visit me and I can wake up vaguely rested and not so hungover for my flight to LA. goodbye for now, sunburned land.
hello in a day, my sister and a very, very unsettling wonderwoman who looks lovely in white.

who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone?

you are perfect. we're better off knowing. all the women in our family are bitches at times. you won't ever let me down. we all have favourites. who cares, even by straight man standards, he was a good looking dude. i'm still trying to send him back but he won't go home. i don't know her kids, either. you're more than good enough for me. it's not just the good examples that we learn from, but the role models that make some mistakes as well. i still haven't recovered from the time you taught me how to do a proper shot, but thank you for making sure i never drank tequila ever again. we all need someone who will laugh when we can't deal to show us it's not all bad. i wish you could come back. broken glass can be cleaned up. mistakes happen. sometimes it's more fun without direction. the point of a vacation is to relax and have fun, and that was what we did. all of us got picked on endlessly by one of our siblings, it is why we developed a thick skin and the laine stubbornness. i wish i knew them better too. i hated those goldfish. you looked better in them anyway. we all wish we'd done things we didn't, and didn't do things that we have done, that is life. the only thing you missed by not finishing year 12 was the traditional graduation afterparty, which from my experience, is a thing to regret anyway. i can't believe she thought a laine wedding wouldn't have us all rolling down the aisles off our heads on nice wine. sometimes it is easier not to listen. you know some of us better than we know ourselves, it's okay. you shouldn't have to be a pillar of support for everything we all do, it is fine to have someone that disagrees with us sometimes, no matter how vehemently. name me a sibling that HASN'T made all of us cry, at some point. the good part about letting people down is making up for it. sometimes lies are easier to hear than the truth. we all changed.

we love you, too.

as for me, i have apologies, too.
i'm sorry i don't even know the most simple things about you. are you allergic to peanuts? is your favourite colour purple? i don't know. maybe the kids have come down with a cold lately and haven't been well. maybe you're planning a big family holiday. i don't know anything.

as for you, i must frustrate the hell out of you. i'm sorry for that. i love you, i look up to you. i spend my life comparing myself to you, and i always fall short no matter what. i get angry at myself because i can't be you. i don't know how that would make you feel. i'm sorry i have to burden you with that now.

i'm sorry i don't call you enough. you might be psychotic when you get going, but we have a shared family temper and since mine is worst, i forgive you for that. i miss you. i don't know enough about you. i don't know enough about your fiance, and i actually like him. but i also don't feel like i can call you at 3am to talk about something i'm worried about, even though i bet you wouldn't mind because you're too sweet. i always feel like i'm interrupting your life, and i'm sorry.

i'm sorry i can't fix everything that's wrong. you wouldn't want me to, but i wish i could. i like it better when you are smiling. you can always make it better, i don't understand why i can't do the same. i don't know what to do, and i'm sorry.

i'm sorry i am still trying to give you back to the gypsies we adopted you from. i'm sorry i try to block out the day you were born so the gypsy thing seems more real in my head. i'm sorry i totally failed at being a good big brother and became some kind of horrendous fixture in your life that you can't get rid of. i'm leaving soon, don't worry. but thank you for humouring me and spending a few days with me. i had fun.

i'm sorry i have such a short fuse with you. i always get mad when your jokes are directed at me. i wish i could laugh all the time. i do, sometimes. let's face it, you are hilarious, actually. i wish i was more patient with you.

lastly, i'm sorry i'm not what you hoped i would be. i think i am doing a pretty good job with my life, so far, but i know you wanted more. maybe not even more, but perhaps something different. i know you love me and you're bursting with pride all the time, but that's what you do for your kids. i can see the look in your eyes sometimes when i can't be home for something important because i have to work. it'd be different if i went to uni, i bet. or if i had a "real job". sometimes i just think that you think tour or radio or tv or whatever i have to do that week aren't real reasons to skip out on family business. i'm sorry for that.

i really am.

shakedown 1979, cool kids never have the time

goodbye, Whitsundays.
I am spending my next few days working and attempting to bond with my little brother and showing his arrogant little shithead self that I do not party like a rockstar all the damn time like he thinks I do.
wish me luck on that.