you are perfect. we're better off knowing. all the women in our family are bitches at times. you won't ever let me down. we all have favourites. who cares, even by straight man standards, he was a good looking dude. i'm still trying to send him back but he won't go home. i don't know her kids, either. you're more than good enough for me. it's not just the good examples that we learn from, but the role models that make some mistakes as well. i still haven't recovered from the time you taught me how to do a proper shot, but thank you for making sure i never drank tequila ever again. we all need someone who will laugh when we can't deal to show us it's not all bad. i wish you could come back. broken glass can be cleaned up. mistakes happen. sometimes it's more fun without direction. the point of a vacation is to relax and have fun, and that was what we did. all of us got picked on endlessly by one of our siblings, it is why we developed a thick skin and the laine stubbornness. i wish i knew them better too. i hated those goldfish. you looked better in them anyway. we all wish we'd done things we didn't, and didn't do things that we have done, that is life. the only thing you missed by not finishing year 12 was the traditional graduation afterparty, which from my experience, is a thing to regret anyway. i can't believe she thought a laine wedding wouldn't have us all rolling down the aisles off our heads on nice wine. sometimes it is easier not to listen. you know some of us better than we know ourselves, it's okay. you shouldn't have to be a pillar of support for everything we all do, it is fine to have someone that disagrees with us sometimes, no matter how vehemently. name me a sibling that HASN'T made all of us cry, at some point. the good part about letting people down is making up for it. sometimes lies are easier to hear than the truth. we all changed.
we love you, too.
as for me, i have apologies, too.
i'm sorry i don't even know the most simple things about you. are you allergic to peanuts? is your favourite colour purple? i don't know. maybe the kids have come down with a cold lately and haven't been well. maybe you're planning a big family holiday. i don't know anything.
as for you, i must frustrate the hell out of you. i'm sorry for that. i love you, i look up to you. i spend my life comparing myself to you, and i always fall short no matter what. i get angry at myself because i can't be you. i don't know how that would make you feel. i'm sorry i have to burden you with that now.
i'm sorry i don't call you enough. you might be psychotic when you get going, but we have a shared family temper and since mine is worst, i forgive you for that. i miss you. i don't know enough about you. i don't know enough about your fiance, and i actually like him. but i also don't feel like i can call you at 3am to talk about something i'm worried about, even though i bet you wouldn't mind because you're too sweet. i always feel like i'm interrupting your life, and i'm sorry.
i'm sorry i can't fix everything that's wrong. you wouldn't want me to, but i wish i could. i like it better when you are smiling. you can always make it better, i don't understand why i can't do the same. i don't know what to do, and i'm sorry.
i'm sorry i am still trying to give you back to the gypsies we adopted you from. i'm sorry i try to block out the day you were born so the gypsy thing seems more real in my head. i'm sorry i totally failed at being a good big brother and became some kind of horrendous fixture in your life that you can't get rid of. i'm leaving soon, don't worry. but thank you for humouring me and spending a few days with me. i had fun.
i'm sorry i have such a short fuse with you. i always get mad when your jokes are directed at me. i wish i could laugh all the time. i do, sometimes. let's face it, you are hilarious, actually. i wish i was more patient with you.
lastly, i'm sorry i'm not what you hoped i would be. i think i am doing a pretty good job with my life, so far, but i know you wanted more. maybe not even more, but perhaps something different. i know you love me and you're bursting with pride all the time, but that's what you do for your kids. i can see the look in your eyes sometimes when i can't be home for something important because i have to work. it'd be different if i went to uni, i bet. or if i had a "real job". sometimes i just think that you think tour or radio or tv or whatever i have to do that week aren't real reasons to skip out on family business. i'm sorry for that.
i really am.
